Today is All Souls' Day, the day in which we pray for the recently dead. Yesterday, however, was All Saints' Day, the day on which we give wicked high fives to all the saints. And that's what I want to talk about today.
Obviously this post would have been more timely yesterday, but the problem was not so much that I needed to pray to St. Expeditus against procrastination, but rather that I needed to pray to St. Isidore of Seville, patron of the web, for better internet connection.
Here are some saints and martyrs that you might choose to venerate this week based on your own unique situation in life:
Erasmus of Formiae, protector of pyrotechnicians, steeplejacks, chimney sweeps, sailors and anyone who works at great heights, due to his sweet ability to dodge lightning
[photo not available]
Gang Bing, patron of eunuchs, from the time he cut off his own genitals and hid them in the emperor's saddle bags (not a euphemism) as a show of loyalty or something
St. Maturinus, exorcist and protector of clowns and jesters
Sts. Adrian and Natalia of Nicodemia, who use their holy powers to protect arms dealers
Albinus of Angers, invoked against attack by pirates and incestuous weddings
Bernardino of Siena, for your gambling addiction (you know who you are)
Conrad of Piancenza, to cure your hernia, be it incomplete, epigastric, bladder, strangulated, lumbar hernia, Richter's hernia, obstructed, inguinal, or direct
[not pictured: St. Denise, often seen with Peter, Andrew, and Paul. But not THAT Peter, Andrew, or Paul.]
St. Denise, invoked against totally wrecking your tallbike, no matter how many PBRs you've had. She will remind you to roll that one pants leg up.
Lidwina, protectress of ice skaters with multiple sclerosis
Drogo of Sebourg, patron of the unattractive and Starbucks baristas. If you are an ugly barista, you are doubly blessed.
Happy belated All Saints', everybody.