Benito Cereno (benitocereno) wrote,
Benito Cereno
benitocereno

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Post-pubescent children of the night

You know what word is funny?

MORPHOPHONOLOGY

You know what other word is funnier?

LARP

Say it.

LARPLARPLARPLARP

It's funnier because of what it actually is.

Many of you may have seen the LARP video going around the net lately. It's a bunch of guys in funny costumes throwing Nerf pellets at a larger guy in a funny costume while shouting, "LIGHTNING BOLT LIGHTNING BOLT" or hitting him with a giant Q-tip and yelling, "SLEEP SLEEP" while guys wearing their underwear outside of their pants yell, "DIE OGRE DIE" and secretly wish for a girlfriend.

LARP stands for Live Action Role Playing. It's for people who would play Dungeons and Dragons but don't have the attention span or literacy to play a pen and paper role-playing game.

Have you ever been playing an RPG and had your DM say, "You are approached by a seductive succubus. Roll a dex check to see if you do her," and you totally wish you could score with this demon chick? Well, with LARP, you totally can! Except the succubus is secretly a frumpy, overweight convenience store employee wearing a size 24 corset she bought at Goodwill. Still, if your dex is above 18 without a modifier, you can totally make it with this hot creature of the netherworlds.

You know what the coolest LARP is, though?

VAMPIRE LARP



WRETCHED CUR! LICK MY BOOTS BEFORE I QUENCH MY UNHOLY THIRST WITH THE BLOOD OF YOUR ENTRAILS! OR AT LEAST BEFORE LUNCH BREAK IS OVER AND THE ENGLISH TEACHER WANTS HIS CLASS BACK.

These are people who really, really wish they could suck blood, but in reality, they just suck.

Did you know that vampi--sorry...vampyres have an incredible mastery of disguise? It's true!

Sure, this guy



might look like just some loser that got cut from the football team, but in reality, he is known to be of the Lasombra clan, and has become quite a successful businessman, owning both the Serpent’s Tooth and the Viper’s Pit. He was made Sheriff by Prince Wonnt and then made Interim Prince while Wonnt went to war. No foolin'!

Vampires, as you probably know, all live in clans. My internet research has found that these clans are known as the Geocities clan, the Tripod clan, the Angelfire clan, and the Other Sites That Don't Allow Remote Linking clan. This is why there are not more hilarious LARPing pictures.

Wait, what am I saying? You can't take pictures of vampires! DUH! Just like they have no reflection or shadow or social life, vampires cannot appear on film because of their lack of soul and basic hygienic skills.



GRRRR I AM A WERESWOLF NO I AM NOT WEARING PILLOW STUFFING ON MY HEAD. IT IS MY LYCANTHROPIC OUTGROWTH, AS IS THIS FINELY TRIMMED GOATEE. WHAT? NO THE GLASSES ARE A DISGUISE SO I CAN SNEAK UP TO HUMANS UNAWARES. NO, SERIOUSLY. I AM A WEREWOLF. LOOK AT MY NAME TAG: "HELLO MY NAME IS WEREWOLF GRRRRRRRRR"



GOSH, POCAHONTAS, EVEN THOUGH I AM PAINFULLY INEXPERIENCED, I EMPLOY MY VAMPIRIC HYPNOTIC SKILLS TO MAKE YOU MOUTHIFY MY WANG IN MY MOTHER'S BASEMENT. I CAN TELL YOU ARE HYPNOTIZED FROM THE REDNESS OF YOUR PUPILS.



NO, SERIOUSLY GUYS. STAND BACK. I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TWINKIES I HAD TO EAT TO RE-ENTER THE MATRIX, I AM STILL THE ONE. DUDE, STAND BACK WHILE I DO MY MATRIX MOVE OR WITH KARATE I WILL KICK YOUR ASS. THIS WILL BE ALL CUNNING AND STUFF.

Before I go, I leave you with this terrifying thought:

There is a Vampire LARP Cruise.

Pray for icebergs.
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