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Not Quite Hug Salesman, part one: Nate vs. 900 Naked Scenesters
INT. BENITO'S HOUSE where BENITO lives. NATE sits busily working at the computer.
What's that you're working on, squire?
The 900 Naked Scenesters Project.
I'm sorry, the what?
The 900 Naked Scenesters Project. I'm working on putting together a giant directory of 900 photos of naked scene girls compiled from various points on the internet.
A noble cause, surely. How are you going about attaining this lofty goal?
Well, basically you go around looking for hot scene girls on MySpace. Then you skim their profile for PhotoBucket or Flickr accounts or whatever. Usually they do not think far enough ahead to lock their nakey pics into private accounts. So they go into the directory.
That is very nearly despicable, but it's very internetty of you to do. Run across anyone you know yet?
This one girl I saw at a bar one time. A friend of a friend. But it's not a full-on fully. Good enough to count, though.
Sure. When you're aiming for nine hundred, it's hard to pick nits. So...these are basically just 900 MySpace-style "me in the mirror holding a camera and my face is kind of obscured by the flash"-type pics?
I'm not sure what's sexy or arousing about a girl holding a camera in the bathroom mirror with a somewhat awkward expression on her face?
Boobs? [he says, in the way one might say, "IDK, my BFF, Jill?" to one's mother]
Yeah, just e-mail me the highlights later.
Man, John Adams, why do you totally got to even do a thing.
The joke is played, sure, but damned if it's not based on a true story.
Speaking of true stories from my LCS, here's a conversation that happens at least three times a month.
SOME GUY: Hey, do you know if they have any Calciderms here?
ME: I...is that a discourteous term for someone with a disease?
SOME GUY: It's a Magic card?
ME: OH! No, I have no idea. But there are totally these boxes full of literally hundreds of Magic cards. Perhaps you should let your fingers do the walking.
SOME GUY: So you don't play Magic?
ME: I do not play Magic.
SOME GUY: Never?
ME: I have never played Magic.
SOME GUY: So what do you play? Warcraft?
ME: No, I also do not play Warcraft. Though I don't think anyone plays the Warcraft ccg. I'm pretty sure they sell, on average, more Bella Sara cards here than WoW cards.
SOME GUY: Yu-Gi-Oh? Pokemon? HeroClix? HorrorClix? Pirates? Star Wars Minis? D&D Minis?
ME: I don't play any collectible games.
SOME GUY: Oh, you play board games? Zombies? Catan? Axis and Allies?
ME: I don't really play board games either, no.
SOME GUY: So you don't play any games.
ME: I don't play any games, no.
SOME GUY: Ever.
ME: Never ever.
SOME GUY: I...isn't this a weird place for you to be, then? What would you be here for?
ME: Why would I be in a COMIC BOOK shop with the word COMICS in the name of it if I don't play Magic the Gathering? This is the question?
SOME GUY: That's the question, yeah.
ME: I...uh, comic books. They do take up a solid 85% of the floorspace in the store. I'm holding one in my hand right now.
SOME GUY: OHHHH. So you collect comics?
ME: Yeah, I collect comics.
SOME GUY: You read comics?
ME: Yeah, I read the ones I collect, yes.
SOME GUY: I've totally got a Death of Superman comic. Is that worth anything?
I swear. Guaranteed to happen at least three times a month.