by Benito J. Cereno III, aged 8
Panel one: High over the plains of outer Mongolia soars the mighty Bully Pulpit, time machine to the stars. It veers and caroms recklessly through the sky as Edison struggles to steer, despite the fact that in the back of the machine, Teddy and a mummy wrapped in black bandages are tussling mightily, as the elder gods were wont to do.
TEDDY: Despite my reticence to cast blame, I must say I'm fairly certain this is your fault, Edison.
EDISON: BALLS, Teddy. That is BALLS.
Panel two: Closer in on Teddy and the mummy. The mummy holds a throwing star up to Teddy's throat. Teddy grits his teeth, grittily.
TEDDY: "There won't be ninja mummies," you said. "Ninjas are so played," you said. "We aren't traveling to a boy's bedroom in 1984," you said. "Ninjas are Japanese," you said.
Panel three: Edison gives his gear shifts a mighty shove. He is not pleased that he's being blamed for this.
EDISON: TEDDY! YOU were NOT supposed to eat the emperor's noodles! YOU ate them! They were cursed!
Panel four: Similar shot. Teddy has flipped the ninja mummy over onto the "dashboard" of the time machine. Edison lurches to the side in surprise and anger.
EDISON: Also, they were a thousand yea--HEY! Do NOT mash my buttons!
Panel five: A big pink time portal opens and the Bully Pulpit gets sucked in.
EDISON: Oh, AWESOME.
Panel six: A pair of black mummy legs fall from the sky where the portal was as the portal closes.
Panel seven: NEW SCENE. Benito sits on his stoop, eating a big plate of jap chae. It is undoubtedly delicious.
Panel eight: Bookachow! The Bully Pulpit flashes in front of Benito's stoop, terrifying him and making him spill his jap chae all over the front of himself.
BENITO: HOLY JEEZUM CROW! It's Teddy and Edison! And half a mummy!
Panel nine: Teddy and Edison disembark. Teddy kicks the top half of the now chronologically severed mummy from out of the cockpit. Edison walks toward Benito, who is somewhat suspicious of their arrival.
BENITO: Man, you guys aren't here to hassle me about Black Maria, are you? Because I get enough of that from internet, and it's totally not my fau--
EDISON: No, no. We landed here by complete accident. I guess we're going to head...somewhere?
Panel ten: Edison turns to Teddy, who is still kicking the mummy.
EDISON: Hey, do we have somewhere we need to go?
TEDDY: No, our agenda is fairly open.
EDISON: You want a lift somewhere?
Panel eleven: Benito ponders.
BENITO: I dunno. I mean, my life is pretty much full of terrible things that I wish had never happened to me, but I don't think there's necessarily anything specific I'd want to change. All that essed-up cee just goes toward building who I am today, wretched wretch that I am. So, you know, thanks, but nah.
Panel twelve: Edison turns back toward the Bully Pulpit. Benito jumps up, holding up a "wait up" kind of finger with one hand, holding his now empty plate in the other.
EDISON: Sure thing, kid. Give us a buzz some time.
BENITO: No, wait! I've got an idea after all! Just let me clean up this mess!
Panel thirteen: ANOTHER NEW SCENE. Inside Benito's house, Benito stands behind Nate, who is at the computer, leaned in closely to the screen.
CAPTION: LIKE A YEAR AGO OR SOMETHING
NATE: So my friend F______ just sent me this link to the MySpace page of this girl, S______, right? She's basically pretty much everything I want. Check this out!
Panel fourteen: An aroma begins to waft in from off-panel behind Benito, who turns to acknowledge its presence. Nate continues on.
NATE: She's got mc chris lyrics as her "About me!" I enjoy the music of mc chris and one day hope to meet him and break trees in his van! Anyway, she also has these rad ironic tattoos that are really hot.
Panel fifteen: Benito wanders out of the room, following the aroma. Nate's words get smaller.
NATE (off-panel): She dyes her hair sometimes? I also do that!
Panel sixteen: Benito looks down at the source of the aroma: a plate of jap chae sitting on the floor.
BENITO: Free jap chae? Effin sweet!
Panel seventeen: Benito looks up to see Teddy standing behind the corner above the plate.
BENITO: Oh, jiggawatts! It's the President!
Panel eighteen: Teddy clocks Benito into unconsciousness.
Panel nineteen: From out of the shadows behind Teddy steps modern days Benito from way back in those other panels.
BENITO: Word 'em up, yo.
Panel twenty: Back like panel thirteen, but now Benito walks back into the frame.
NATE: --rbate together in the drive through on their first date? Which is awesome and probably way awesomer than what happens most days at McDonald's. I mean, maybe not, but at least they were in a car and not homeless, so I guess that makes it different.
Panel twenty-one: Benito now stands fully behind Nate as he was in panel thirteen.
NATE: And I'm pretty sure that this picture F_____ sent me is of them having sex, but I think my odds are still pretty good. I mean, she doesn't seem TOO flaky and crazy and the type of girl who might hold me in a Schroedinger's Cat-style state of emotional insecurity for months on end, right? I should totally message her, right?
Panel twenty-two: Nate finally turns around to look at Benito, who just glares back at him.
NATE 2: ...
NATE 3: Did you change your shirt?
Panel twenty-three: Benito lunges at Nate and wails on him furiously, giving him a full-on fully beat-down, man-style.
Panel twenty-four: Benito and Teddy and Edison jump into the air, with their knees bent, freeze-frame style, giving each other a three-way high five. The background is a giant radiating red and orange starburst.
SFX: EXPLODING HIGH FIVES!
PSYCHE IT WAS REALLY A HUG SALESMAN
Here is a thing.
B.P.R.D.: KILLING GROUND #2 (of 5)
MIKE MIGNOLA (W), JOHN ARCUDI (W), GUY DAVIS (A/Cover), and DAVE STEWART (C)
On sale Sept. 12
FC, 32 pages
Something wicked has come to the B.P.R.D. as Liz's apocalyptic visions escalate and Daimio continues to withdraw from his teammates.
B.P.R.D.: The Killing Ground immediately follows B.P.R.D.: Garden of Souls . Written by John Arcudi and Hellboy and B.P.R.D. creator Mike Mignola, and drawn by acclaimed series artist Guy Davis, The Killing Ground will leave the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense and its members forever altered.
Here is another thing.
THE GOON: CHINATOWN
ERIC POWELL (W/A)
On sale Nov. 21
FC, 128 pages
HC, 7" x 10"
Dark Horse is very proud to present the first original graphic novel from Eisner Award-laden swami Eric Powell. Powell has been sowing the seeds of Chinatown and the Mystery of Mr. Wicker for years in his award-winning bimonthly series The Goon , and salivating fans may now feast their eyes on the Goon's formative backstory of love, loss, and extortion—a lengthy tale that demanded to be told in this uninterrupted format.
Spiritual leader of Tennessee and hero to the Great Unwashed, Powell escaped catastrophic death and mother-shaming scandal to bring this work to fruition. He's a sensitive man in insensitive times. But be warned: this book ain't funny.
Here is another thing.
HELLBOY: DARKNESS CALLS #6 (of 6)
MIKE MIGNOLA (W/Cover), DUNCAN FEGREDO (A), and DAVE STEWART (C)
On sale Sept. 26
FC, 32 pages
Hellboy's epic battle with the immortal warrior Koshchei reaches its climax in the thunderous conclusion to this six-issue arc.
The long-awaited follow-up to 2005's The Island , Calls sees Mike Mignola pushing his greatest creation, Hellboy, toward the next major turning point in his life, with haunting art by Duncan Fegredo ( Enigma , Ultimate Adventures ).
Here is another thing.
LOBSTER JOHNSON: THE IRON PROMETHEUS #1 (of 5)
MIKE MIGNOLA (W/Cover), JASON ARMSTRONG (A), and DAVE STEWART (C)
On sale Sept. 5
FC, 32 pages
“Beware my claw, for I've come to inflict justice!”
As America hovers on the brink of World War II, the Lobster and his allies must race against the clock as they fight their way through cannibals, yetis, and the machinations of a mysterious villain bent on fulfilling a deadly prophecy.
After years of captivating fans from the pages of Hellboy and B.P.R.D. , the pulp-style adventures of Lobster Johnson take the limelight in the Lobster's first solo series. Written and with covers by Hellboy creator Mike Mignola, and drawn by Jason Armstrong ( Ferro City , The Sensational Spider-Man ), Lobster Johnson: The Iron Prometheus is a wild ride full of fearsome monsters, mad scientists, and threats from the world beyond.
From the pages of Hellboy!
Here is a song. It is pretty good. You should probably listen to it.